Sink or Swim
by holycitygirl
Summary: Slash--RyanSeth. Ryan's thoughts during Model Home. (Not smut -but please don't read if you don't like boyboy relationships)


Title:  Sink of Swim

Summary:  My take on Ryan's feelings during Episode 2.  Not smutty.  Not polished.  Just thoughts in a cute boy's angsty head.  

Disclaimer:  Oh yeah I don't own.  Or this would be the first gay night time teen drama.  Not just a good impression of one.  

A/N:  Okay these boys are asking for the slash.  I'm going to take baby steps toward it in my fic though.  Hope you like.  If you do please tell me.  I will love you for it.  

Floating in the pool beside Seth, Ryan knew he was in way over his head.  His life, which had been steadily sucking for years, had within the last few days gotten a whole hell of a lot worse.  Or, he thought glancing over at the teen beside him, if you looked at it from a certain angle –a whole hell of a lot better.  He didn't know if he was ready to admit that it depended on if your view included Seth.  

His inner thoughts were interrupted by Seth's talk of his going away plans.  Something about virginity.  A subject he didn't really want to think about in Seth's presence let alone broach.  The boy's wide eyed innocence and cynical outlook on life was just one of the things he liked about him.  He was a complex creature.  And a perfect foil to his own tainted existence and hopeful nature.  They were from two completely different worlds and therefore had their share of differences.  But somehow they had bonded.  Connected in a major way that Ryan was almost completely sure wasn't one sided.  He caught Seth's less than casual glances.  He returned more than a few when he was sure his attention was diverted.  

But he didn't bring up these glances.  He didn't define their relationship.  He did not admit any feelings he may or may not have.  Because really what more did their lives need?  They already didn't fit in.  He didn't because of his Chino upbringing and his newly acquired criminal record.  Seth didn't belong because…well because Seth was too good to belong to that crowd.  He couldn't compromise himself and become ugly and flawed.  Ryan wanted to think that he would have done the same.  But self delusion had never been his thing.  And he had a sneaking suspicion that if he had grown up with Seth's parents and Seth's money and opportunity –he would have thrown it all away on drugs and shallow girls.  He would have been one of those random jocks at the party the other night kicking sand in whatever nice boy's face he could find.  But he really hoped he could have come up with a better line than "this is how we do it in the O.C".  Or whatever the hell smartass wording he used.  

So no –he didn't really think they needed to be traveling down that road.  They should both stick to lusting or pretending to lust after Marissa and Summer.  He felt himself cringe just thinking it.  But it was better for both of them that way.  And besides, he thought, coming full circle back to his original brood, he was leaving tomorrow anyway.  His life had gotten away from him. He now had no mother, no brother, no jerk of the month.  And tomorrow he would have no Brady Bunch surrogate family and no best friend/whatever the hell they were.  He would be alone.  But really when was he not?  

He blew off Seth's big plans with insistence that he would rather just hang.  And he would.  Seth was the only good thing that had happened to him this decade.  And even if they couldn't be anything –they were something.  

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Lying in his bed, or his borrowed bed in the borrowed pool house Ryan suddenly felt panicked.  He couldn't do this.  Couldn't say goodbye to these people.  To Seth.  Because goodbye was for people you were never going to see again.  And he suddenly knew that if he had to do that he would cry.  Cry like a girl or the sissy-la la he was and he didn't want to do that.   His life sucked yes –but he didn't need to give whatever powers that be the satisfaction of seeing him break.  

He was packed and ready to go in a depressingly short amount of time.  5 minutes and all sign of him was erased.  But his escape wasn't going to be that easy.  Seth met him at the door.  The look of devastation when the boy put two and two together was both comforting and painful.  And his offer to come with him was like Christmas and the end of summer vacation.  Why did life have to be so hard?  He didn't want to leave Seth.  Hell that was the reason he was doing it now instead of tomorrow.  Because five minutes ago he had felt strong enough to do it.  But now …now he just wasn't.  

So he went along with the crazy Model home plan.  He waited outside the gate while Seth ran inside to transform himself into stealth boy.  But his life being his life –had to get more complicated.  Marissa showed up.  And came along.  And he tried to take it as an opportunity to further his "normal" boy persona, his _I can fit in_ lie, but the only one he fooled was Marissa.  And obviously to some degree Seth.  

"Who invited you?" Seth asked with a little disdain.  Ryan told himself this could be a separate issue.  That Seth could really just have a problem with Marissa as displayed by his previous "you've never done or said anything to me" comment.  But he was pretty sure it had more to do with good old fashion jealousy.  He found himself, despite his normalcy goals, not wanting Seth to feel that way.   

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Marissa invited herself into a lot of things.  And she was gravitating towards him in a way that made him uncomfortable.  She was a nice girl.  But the last thing he really needed.  Looking over at Seth playing golf in his casual ADHD manner, he finally admitted what he did. When she handed him that mixed Cd he thought he would die.        I mean I'm gay, he thought, not cheesy.  He hid it quick before Seth could see it.  Yeah Marissa was going to be a problem.  

"What's going on with you two? Seth asks.  And I want to tell him nothing.  I want to tell him that Texas is the last place I want to be,-go.  Later after our day with Marissa and impromptu fight with her boyfriend, he is excitedly enjoying our victory.  I want to tell him again.  When he asks "you wouldn't consider me rich would you?" I want to tell him that I love everything about him.  Everything from his curly mop top to his 1000 track mind.  But I don't.  

And then later when Marissa finds the guts to do what I couldn't.  And asks for what she wants all I can do is deny her.  Like I denied myself.  And Seth earlier with my silence.  "You can't stay" I say.  "Go" I practically yell.  And I really didn't mean to upset her enough to run away.  I run after her but she is already gone.  And then I am knee deep in another fight.  Wondering why I try so hard to be normal when that is so something I'm never going to be.  This guy hates me because he thinks I want his girlfriend.  Would he hate me more if he knew I _really_ didn't?  Probably.  

Watching the fire from a distance I hope that Seth doesn't worry.  Funny how all my thoughts either begin or end with him now.  Last week I didn't even know him.  And for the life of me I can't think what my thoughts were about.  When Luke pulls up I don't even have the energy to be surprised.  Life was redefining the term shock value.  I had woken up in the middle of some night time soap and I had no idea how to get out of it.  But the fact of the matter was I didn't want to leave.  And I don't think Seth wants me too.  See?  There I go again.  

So riding in a cop car for the second time in my life I thought again about how far I'd waded out into the murky waters that were "The O.C".  It was sink or swim time.  I found myself smiling despite the situation.  It was a good thing I had a friend with a boat.    


End file.
